How to find inner peace during a break up
I have been running a survey/quiz for people going through break ups and one of the questions is…
“what would you get out of going through this break up in a healthy way?”
By far the #1 answer was PEACE or PEACE of mind.
There are things in our lives that enter suddenly that threaten our peace and break ups are absolutely one of them. One day you feel happy, in love, in control, and all of a sudden a break up comes and rips all of that away.
It’s normal to feel shaken up, chaotic, and flustered. It’s also normal to have a very loud mind that continues to tell you super negative things. I remember after my break up I felt like I couldn’t sit still for more than 5 minutes without a wave of agonizing emotions coming over me, so I stayed reallllly busy, but obviously that isn’t sustainable for anyone.
Peace of mind after a break up is going to look differently for everyone, but examples might include:
being at peace with the kind of partner you were instead of analyzing every little thing you did in the relationship thinking if you had just done this one thing differently the break up wouldn’t have happened.
being in acceptance that the break up happened instead of trying to control the situation towards a different outcome
knowing that even though this doesn’t make sense right now, someday the break up will make sense and you’ll likely even be grateful for it at some point.
having faith that someday the partner that’s meant for you will come
or it can be as simple as being OK being alone, this was a huge milestone for me in finding peace.
So how can we find some peace during a break up? I have some tips below but it’s important to remember that in the midst of a break up we’re going to aim for moments of peace. As much as we’d like to feel peaceful and happy all the time, that’s just not realistic. The tips below will be actions that will help lead you towards moments of peace that will start becoming more consistent. Remember to appreciate the small moments of peace and not to beat yourself up when the negative self talk creeps back in.
Accept your feelings 100%. I hear so many people get stuck in the “shoulds”. It’s been a month I should be over it by now, it’s been 6 months I should be able to start dating again and the list goes on and on. When you do this, you’re judging your emotions and telling yourself that it isn’t OK to feel that way. So not only are you still missing your ex and feeling crappy, now you’re also feeling the impact of a lot of self judgment. Feelings will naturally come and go from us on an hourly basis, and if we don’t “feed” those feelings they’ll likely just pass through us. BUT if we judge them, analyze them, and rationalize them they’ll tend to stick around a lot longer and get trapped.
Action Challenge: Anytime a feeling comes up that you’re not excited to have, start a timer for 3 minutes and just write exactly how you’re feeling. Give yourself permission to 100% feel that emotion without any judgment. Writing it down will help take some of the power out of it and make sure it doesn’t get stuck in that busy brain of yours.
Practice Affirmations: As of about 5 years ago, anytime someone mentioned affirmations I did an automatic eye roll, it seemed so cheesy and inauthentic to me. However, I’m happy to report I’ve been proven wrong. The way I love to do affirmations is I write affirmations for things that haven’t happened yet. It helps me visualize what I want and how I will feel when I get there. For a few break up examples…..
I accept this break up wholeheartedly.
I have so much faith that someone amazing is out there for me.
I’m so excited to get to know myself again single.
I can’t wait for the lessons coming my way.
Even if you don’t feel ANY of those things, write them down anyway. We’ve heard of the saying “act as if”, sometimes by acting like we feel that way will help our brains and our emotions catch up. Visualize what peace looks like for you and affirm that.
Action Challenge: Write down at least 1 affirmation every morning before starting your day. Repeat it to yourself a couple times until it starts feeling comfortable.
Write down what a “sane” life looks like to you. Often times we have a hard time reaching a goal because we don’t even know what the goal is. If we want to achieve peace of mind during a break up, we need to determine what that’s going to look like. After going through my break up, I did this in a few different areas. First I visualize what a sane life would look like as just me. How would Kendra’s life look if she was happy single, if she was comfortable in her own skin, and if she had peace of mind as a single woman? This helped give me an ideal of how I wanted to feel single. Then I did the same thing for a future relationship. What would a sane relationship look like to me? This helped in a few ways because I realized my most recent relationship wasn’t as sane as I wanted it to be. It helped me see the reality of the break up that just happened and it helped give me hope and faith that I could achieve something better in the future.
Action Challenge: Write down what a sane single life would look like to you. Then write down what would a sane relationship look like to you.
Clear away the things that are hurting your peace. This may sound obvious but you’d be surprised how many people say they want peace of mind after a break up yet they’re still watching their exe’s stories every day. There are probably things you’re doing or surrounding yourself with after the break up that are completely contradicting your desire for acceptance and peace. Here are some things that would probably be smart to cut out for a little while.
Following your ex on any social media platform, or even them following you. It’s very tempting to check your stories to see if they saw you. All of this is taking up mental headspace that you can’t afford to give away right now.
Seeing or talking to your ex. I’m of the opinion to not be friends with exes, but I know that differs between person to person. What I will say is in the beginning it’s not worth trying to make a friendship worth. Tell yourself “just for today I will not reach out to them” that way it won’t feel so permanent and scary.
Listening to your friends talk about your ex. Sometimes achieving peace of mind involves setting boundaries. I think our friends will often try to be helpful and want to tell us that they saw our ex and they look like shit- however, that’s not helpful for us right now. We need them out of our mental headspace as much as possible. If your friends or family is saying stuff that’s hurtful, you can totally stand up for yourself and kindly ask them not to say that. Recently I had someone telling me how unhelpful it is when someone says “we always knew you could do better than him…you deserve way better.” This is nice in theory, but again not something that feels good to hear in the beginning of a break up.
Consuming things that don’t feel good. Whether that’s listening to your old playlist you guys made together, going through photos, text messages, sappy movies, watching your favorite TV show you guys had. All of that stuff is going to add more chaos into your head for right now. Sure, there will come a time in the future that you can look at that nostalgically and not from a place of pain- but that time is not now.
Action Challenge: Make a list of things you’re doing that are disrupting your peace of mind or making the break up harder. You don’t have to commit to cutting them all out, but just look at the list and try to be conscientious on how it makes you feel.
Make a list of things you’ve already made it through in your life. Break ups can feel like the end all be all, the thing that’s going to take you down, and the worst thing you’ve ever experienced/will ever experience. When we’re in a crisis like this we can tend to forget all of the other things we’ve already survived, particularly relationships. Reflecting on these things will remind us of our courage, strength, and perseverance. For example, there were a few break ups earlier in my life that I thought meant my life was overrrrrrr. But just a little while later I thought “omg I can’t believe I wanted to marry that person!”. Break ups are hard, but I promise you’ll survive it.
Action Challenge: Make a list of 10 hard things you’ve already made it through in your life to date. Reflect on how hard they felt at the time and now how minuscule it feels.
Other honorable mentions to add more peace into your life:
making daily gratitude lists and sending them to a friend
exercising, even if it’s just going for a walk
Remember, this is not going to be an overnight process. Appreciate the moments that you feel good, and don’t judge yourself when your hamster wheel brain starts running in a million different negative directions. Progress, not perfection.